You Can Take a Man Out of the Amish But…

When I started dating my husband, David, I observed him closely. I was a little invasive, I asked a lot of questions and there were times that I pressed further than I should’ve. But in my defense, why wouldn’t I? He was interesting because he grew up Amish but was well adjusted to his new ‘English’ lifestyle. But that doesn’t mean his Amish roots didn’t come out of the woods every once and awhile. So I thought it’d be fun to share with you some instances where my husband could not deny his upbringing. And let me tell you, you can take a man out of the Amish but you can’t take the Amish out of a man.

The Amish are so good at keeping outsiders out, the outsiders are very curious and intrigued. So when we first got together, I knew he grew up Amish but I wasn’t really sure what that meant in terms of his behavior. Did he still act Amish? Did he leave behind the morals his parents spent 18 years instilling in him? Can I act like the weird bitch that I truly am without judgment?

He has his little quirks that I laugh at but secretly adore. I love how he says “7-11” with his funny Amish accent. Or instead of saying “I will lend him some money” he says “I will borrow him some money.” Real quick, though, David if you’re reading this just know that it still drives me up the freaking wall. It is ‘lend’, not borrow. Don’t worry, I still love your little Amish ass.

While I am on the subject of Amish asses here is a quick fun fact: Amish men aren’t allowed to have back pockets. Why? I’m not certain. I believe it’s so the Amish women aren’t tempted to check out their friend’s husbands. Pockets will catch their eye, you know?

Like okay, Mary, quit being a hussy or I’m done swapping recipes with you and I’m telling the bishop that you’re a little hoe.

Anyway, back to David’s Amish ass.

Early on in our relationship, David asked me how to ‘Google.’ Yeah, he seriously asked me how to Google. I’m sure you can imagine all of the fun I had with that one. As a matter of fact, he recently asked me how to use Siri. I had him talking to his phone saying ridiculous things for five minutes before he had caught on but I was loving every second of that five minutes.

Oh, and I have to tell you about David’s sleeping habits because it’s insane and has to be an Amish thing. David is the hardest sleeper, ever. You may believe you know someone worse but I can assure you David has whoever it is beat by a landslide. If he is passed out, anywhere, he’s not moving and you can’t move him. Hell, he has no shame in his game! He falls asleep at other people’s houses just chilling on the couch.

Anyway, David always says “Hey I’m going to take a quick nap. Wake me up in an hour.” HA! Yeah okay, buddy. When the hour is up and it’s time to wake him up, he yells at me in his sleep.

“Leave me alone! Holy SHIT!”

 “STOP OH, MY GOD!”

“You are so annoying, Jonna, GO AWAY!”

Like okay dude, you asked for this. What’s impressive though is the amount of conversation he can have while still being in a slumber. His eyes are even wide open!

The first time he did this to me I was shocked. I mean I had no clue the dude was such a dick. Then he started yelling at me in dutch and that’s when it dawned on me that he was somehow still sleeping. But in David’s defense, he always apologizes when he comes to his senses. Which he probably does out of fear because I probably scare the little guy. Like I’m pretty sure deep down, I make his soul tremble.

Moving on.

I will never forget the time he attempted to warm up some cheese for a soft pretzel. I was leaning against the counter, with my arms crossed and a smart ass smirk on my face, observing quietly to not disturb whatever the hell it was that he was doing. My husband, boyfriend, at the time, was filling the sink up with hot water. I thought to myself “There is no way in hell this dude is about to warm up his Tupperware full of cheese in hot water.”

David submerged his Tupperware full of cheese into the hot water.

I tried for as long as I could to keep my mouth shut, but I failed. Inside I was dying of laughter but I also kinda felt sorry for the little guy. So after 30 seconds of this cheese being submerged under hot water and watching him stand there hungry, with such patience, I couldn’t stop myself from blurting the obvious.

“David, you have a microwave. Welcome to the 21st century.” 

Five years later, there are still times that I have to remind my husband that his pants have back pockets and he’s now a master of the Google.

You’ve come far, David. Proud of you.

Note: The photo above is David and his groomsmen on our wedding day. Out of the seven, four used to be Amish like David and three are actually Amish. Can you tell which ones by the haircuts? LOL

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