A Husband’s Guide: What Your Wife Really Wants

Women are interesting. Our emotions can be all over the place and we can go from happy to sad in a matter of seconds. One day we think we’re fat and swear to go on a diet and the next day we are drying our tears with a slice of pizza. We get it. We’re a pain in the ass. But just because we understand “Man, I’m kind of psychotic” doesn’t mean we are capable of changing the way we are wired.

Husbands, just know that you have some control. Let’s face it, you men can be complete idiots and say the wrong thing at the worst time and then shit hits the fan. Luckily for you, I have some advice and a few tricks up my sleeve that I’ve cleverly labeled “A Husband’s Guide: What Your Wife Really Wants.”

  1. When she is getting ready…

Stay the eff away. Don’t even breathe loud enough for her to hear you. I can recall on multiple occasions where I’m getting ready and my hair is being a demon. My husband pops in every five minutes “You about ready?” or “We are late, let’s go.” This is a no-no. My husband has quickly learned that unless he wants me to scream “GET THE HELL OUT!” at the top of my lungs and make me foam at the mouth, don’t talk to me when I’m getting ready.

Your wife will be ready when she is ready and all you are doing is slowing her down.


2. When you want to go fishing…

She probably doesn’t care. But when she does, it’s because it’s the sixth time this month and it’s June 6th. If you don’t see your wife going to vineyards every other day with her girlfriends for wine tastings, don’t go fishing every single chance you get. If you so happen to feel that is necessary, bring her a bottle of wine, hire a babysitter so she can sit at home to Netflix and chill…in peace…alone…with her bottle of wine…in her pajamas.

husbands guide


3. When you have to apologize…

Flowers are a sweet gesture, sure. But don’t half-ass it. My husband brought me home flowers a few times and I said “Aw, thanks, babe. How long until they die?” Not because I’m unappreciative but stopping at Wal-Mart to pick up a bouquet of flowers for $8.88 is the easy way out. If you did something stupid and you know you messed up, flowers aren’t going to cut it. Hand write a letter (put some thought into it) as to why she is the best wife north of the equator. Order a pizza, give her a back rub and put the kids to bed. You’re probably going to get some. You are so welcome.

4. When she spends too much shopping…

Look, your wife is already nervous about walking in the door with her bag of goodies. She kept the receipts in case you flip shit so please don’t act like it is the end of the world. If she went to the mall and got a little swipe happy with the credit card, forgive her. Chances are she didn’t buy anything for herself and they were some amazing deals. She bought you a pair of jeans, an outfit for each of the kids, a new collar, and dog tag reading “Bert” attached to the puppy she saw in a window at the pet store. Sure, the puppy was $500… but Bert just looked so sad. 

husbands guide







5. When you signed Bobby up for football…

Your wife thinks football is a little too physical for a six-year-old, somewhat understandable. “No son of mine is gonna play no foos-ball!” You signed little Bobby up anyway because you compromised that Bobby could be the water boy this year just to get used to the environment. Your wife doesn’t go to a game one day and you took advantage. “Put Bobby in the game, coach. Just the last minute, we have a four-touchdown lead.” The coach agrees. Bobby is on the field looking like a lost puppy (don’t worry your wife finds all of those) and Bobby got tackled, hurt his wrist and cried all the way home. You’re in trouble.

To this, I say who cares. Bobby has been wanting to play, he feels like a tough guy and you “ain’t raisin no fairy.”

We can be wrong sometimes and we will realize it…eventually.

“M-m-m-momma said…”

Momma’s wrong.


6. When you didn’t do anything at all…

You are sitting on the couch cuddling your wife. Everything is fine. Then she remembers something you did one year, four months and twelve days ago. It’s confusing, I understand. I feel sorry for you guys. When this happens, I advise you either fall asleep, act as if a migraine is coming on or give her the old fashioned Dutch Oven. That is guaranteed to haze her memory of what she was yelling at you about. Sure, it will start a new argument, but at least, it’s not one that is digging into the past that is completely irrelevant.

(A Dutch oven is when you fart under a blanket and pull the blanket over the victim’s head and hold it until they fight their way out).

7. If she is laughing while she’s crying…

Go to the gas station, spend $37.56 on chocolate. Bring it to her with extreme caution. You need to then get in your car and maybe stay at a Motel 6 a night or two. The woman is on her period and when she is on her period, we are emotional and crazy. Period.



Two people coming together as one in marriage is a lot of work. You’ll have your ups and you’ll have your downs. You will wonder how someone so sweet can be so crazy. That’s okay. Your wife loves you, she really does. If you can learn when to hide from her and when to stand your ground, you will survive. Not only will you survive, you will learn to laugh at the 5’2” ball of psycho you call your wife.


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